Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
