I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
