The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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