i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We talked him into tasing himself.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
