Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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