If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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