So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
