i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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