dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
