You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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