dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
