He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
