I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize