My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
