I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
