The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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