May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
