my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
