Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
