You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
