I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
