im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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