Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Drake has all the answers
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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