i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize