I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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