I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
