I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
