My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
