Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
