It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
