best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
