he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
