Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
