so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
