Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
