i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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