The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
