the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize