I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just puked most of my soul out..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
