WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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