Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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