He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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