just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
