Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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