Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
