Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
