I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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