I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
