piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize