it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
