i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
