I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
