I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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