Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
