who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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