I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Drake has all the answers
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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