I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
