i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
