This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
